Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
