Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
