Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
