Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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