He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
