my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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