She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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