dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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