i think my mom watched the whole time
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's always time for handjobs
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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