My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Two words: blizzard sex
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
