Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize
