I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
