Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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