You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
