I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
