this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
