Can Purell be used as lube?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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