My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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