My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
