He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
