He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
