two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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