He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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