I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He did a backflip because drugs
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