We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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