Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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