she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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