Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
