Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I need water and some morals
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I had to cum in my sink.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
