i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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