Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
