I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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