I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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