Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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