Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
