At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
being pregnant is like rehab
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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