I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
