I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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