I'm eating all of the evidence.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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