I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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