You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
