remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
