I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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