The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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