he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
