i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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