Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
