i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
