i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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