I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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