Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
