So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
