the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Randomize
