and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
So. Much. Porn.
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