I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Congratulations! We have a period
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
