last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
