i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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