We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
